The Status Woe

Rising above mediocrity one mishap at a time

ParentsPalooza: Parenting Expo in Atlanta.

ParentsPalooza:  Parenting Expo in Atlanta.

I love expos so hard.  Going to them, being a vendor, or hosting.  Seriously, so much fun and swag in one place.  What’s not to love, right?! The show was two days.  Honestly, I wish it could have lasted a week.  The vendors I talked to were amazingly sweet.  I love looking at all of the different products. It feels a lot like shopping.  And when I buy things, that’s exactly what it is!

For this show I was participating as host.  However, a poor facilities sound system  turned me into the voice of every adult on a Peanuts cartoon.  *sigh*  If the NYC transit authority ever needs voice over work, I know where I’ll be recording.

The families that came by my booth were all so receptive to my talk show and book.  I love seeing the mother’s eyes light up when I tell them what I do.  There is something that compels us to share our stories (any stories!  We’re social creatures, after all), and even more so for our birth stories.

When a poor unsuspecting man comes by my booth, I would tell him exactly what my show is about.  I say, “I’m just like most men.  I talk about vaginas all day!”  That usually get’s a laugh out of them as they flee my booth.  Cowards.

A highlight of this show was meeting my bff Mickey Marie Morrison in REAL LIFE.  She is the author of Baby Weight . The Complete Guide to Prenatal & Postpartum Fitness  I’m  proud to promote her book on my website as a “friend of the show”.

Mickey  was participating in the Expo’s  “Book Nook”.   Since she didn’t have a regular booth, she spent a lot of time at our spot.  It was *awesome*.

Do you think I was a little too excited to meet her?

The book nook was a brilliant feature of the show.  There was an area where authors had their books for sale and did readings.  Seriously, this was one of my favorite parts of the show.

Bracelet wearing bffs!

I love any opportunity I get to go to Atlanta.  My brother lives there with his lovely wife.  His children are grown and both are now responsible for making me a great aunt.  Seriously, I’m far too young to be a great aunt.   This is a picture of my sister-in-law Tonya and my great nephew Bryson.  Isn’t he a cutie?!  He had so much fun at the expo.  There were bounce houses, trampolines, baby/toddler food vendors. …

He is much happier than he looks. I think.

AND A CONCERT BY LAUGHING PIZZA!!!  There were there for a meet-n-greet just before their performance.  This is Bryson’s first star collision!

In addition to Family I have some real life bffs who LIVE IN ATLANTA!

Kelli and Tracy
Bffs 4 ever!

Tracy and I went to college together (Kalamazoo College. Go Hornets!) and are lifelong bffs.   I can NOT even begin to explain all the ways in which Tracy helped me this weekend.  She was at my table covering for me when I was off announcing, speaking, or networking.  Getting ice, finding lost children, finding lost vendors; you name it.  She was the “yes” girl when I really needed one.

I should be kissing her on the lips in this picture.  Total. Life. Saver!  Did I mention that she is the mother of TWINS?!?!

I met  Emmy award-winning TV journalist Joyce Brewer last year at Parent’s Palooza.  For over a year now we’ve been “sisters from another mister”.  I love everything she is doing with Mommy Talk Show and love LOVE LOVE her book.  I couldn’t get to Atlanta fast enough to see my favorite mommypreneur!  Did I mention that she has an EMMY!?!   We become real life bffs and a support for each other in our internet and parenting  journey.  Check out her show and Facebook page.  I know you’ll love her too!

Use What you Know  A Business Idea Guide for Moms

Ok….So maybe I come on a little strong. I didn’t mean to scare you Joyce!

Some other fun at the parenting expo:

The flu shot!!  Who gets a flu shot at an expo?  Turns out, a lot of people!

I can’t tell you the thrill that went through me when I saw the girl scouts had a booth!  BEYOND EXCITED!  You see, Samoas are my all-time FAVORITE cookie.

Well, and then this happened…….

I wish they had boogie wipes when my kids were little.  Talk about a brilliant product.

I do however feel the need to let you know that they do NOT work well on the wall next to the kid’s bed to wipe off boogers.  That requires scraping.  With your mouth closed.  Don’t ask me how I know…

Lots of nits but no bugs!  Win!  Right?  That is a good thing??  Right???? *itches head*

And I just made you itch too!

She mentioned that getting lice could be an occupational hazard.  They should put those things on salad!

Did I mention that I love authors?!  So this is me after several diet cokes and handfuls of candy with awesome authors  Parnell Donahue, M.D.​ (on the left)  the author of  Messengers in Denim, The Amazing Things Parents Can Learn from Teens  and Paul Powell​ the author of From Autistic to Awesome: Spiritual Growth through Life with My Special-Needs Child.  Really wonderful gentlemen!

One of the biggest highlights of the weekend was meeting with Deborah Gilboa of Ask Dr. G.  I started following her on twitter (ok, stalking) and couldn’t wait to meet her in real life!

Deborah looks scared.

The internet famous “overly attached girlfriend”

Anyone else see this?!

Deborah is BEYOND awesome.  You can ASK her any parenting question on her website.  ANY. PARENTING. QUESTION!  I asked her about getting my kids to stop fighting.  Her answer was pure gold.

Did I mention that she is a doctor?  And a mom?  And an Author?  And a speaker?  You get the idea.  Your basic overachiever.

Get her book here!

Doctor G’s “parent size” book.

And guess what?!  We’re bracelet wearing bffs!  Seriously, I love her so hard!

Bracelet wearing bffs!

This little one is the daughter of Aimee Brittain AKA The Coupon Diva.  And she loved to play with my hair.  So I let her try it on!  She looks adorable with blonde bangs.

I told her she may have my hair when I die.  Now she is weirdly excited for me to attend the deadbangers ball.  Related blog post here.

Ok, it was there and it was open.  I thought it would be FUN to go through it.  Really, where is their sense of humor? *eye roll* (Thanks Power Home Remodeling Group! You guys were so much fun!)

This is bff Leslie Petruck of Stepping Stones: Counseling & Consulting.  I think she gave at least 4 talks at Parents Palooza.  Seriously, a superhero.  And if I wasn’t convinced of her superhero status before, I was when I met her son.  Because my daughter is significantly affected by autism, I feel like I have the right to just jump in when I see another child with special needs.  Well, I very rudely asked, “What’s going on with your son?”.  And Leslie graciously responded.

We spoke for a few more minutes but it wasn’t nearly enough.  I love connecting with other mothers who are on a journey that I can relate to.

Did you see her adorable shirt? The back is even better! And I have one *squee*!!

Check out Leslie’s website here: www.omgisoundjustlikemymother.com

Have you all ever seen one of these booths? From the It Works! company?

Where they wrap up your body parts and you magically lose inches.  MAGICALLY LOSE INCHES!!

So basically I told them to SHUTUPANDTAKEMYMONEY!!  I had to try this!!

So into the little tent I went. I decided to wrap my upper thighs.

Thighs were measured and wrapped

Saran wrap green is TOTALLY my color!

90 minutes of tingle and heat (and a bit of chaffing because I was running around the expo) and my newest bffs took off my wrap.

The “after” measurements were taken and….

I had lost nearly an INCH on each thigh!  Just like that!!

Thank you so much Carol and ladies!!

Not quite sure what they are implying when they started wrapping my head. Huge ego? Fat head?

I met bff Nicole last year.  That picture is on the left.  Just before the picture was snapped I asked, “Would it be weird if I asked to nurse your baby?”  Her burst of laughter is what you’re seeing!

I can’t even say how thrilled I was that she came back this year!

BFF Jeni came to the show too! Jeni is a Doula! A real live DOULA!!

And my most favorite thing in the world!  **PREGNANT BELLIES**!  Miriam was kind enough to let me touch her belly!

Thanks for visiting *The Status Woe* !

~Kelli Stapleton

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You found WHAT in your baby’s diaper?!

This article was originally written for my bff Joy Rose and her Museum of Motherhood fundraising project: http://mamapalooza.com/mamablogger365-mommy-fail-moments-by-kelli-stapleton.html

We all have them, those mommy fail moments. We look away for a split second, blink, or sleep and disaster strikes. Hopefully we can laugh at ourselves and move on. Inviting others to laugh at our moments unites us in the sisterhood of mothering.

You may remember my last post

You found WHAT in your baby’s mouth?!  Well, as promised I have a list of the worst items found in your baby’s diaper. Read with extreme caution:

Rock
Quarter
Fluorescent green poo. Maybe from fruit snacks?
A strand of mom’s hair
Crayon bits
Lego man’s head
Chocolate wrapper
Partially digested Dora sticker
“Yarn from my son’s raggedy Andy and his lion. It was soooo disgusting because it kept coming out of his bottom as I cleaned him up.”
A hair clip
Made in china sticker (she most certainly was not)
Watermelon seeds
Princess sticker
Marble
My sister found a polly pocket doll in her son’s diaper
77 cents worth of change
Spider
Bead off of a necklace
Two pacifiers (the back story is, we were trying to break my daughter off of her paci and so she got smart and would steal her little brother’s and stick them in her diaper so we couldn’t find them or she would hide them in her closest, when could never figure out how she keep getting pacifiers, lol)
Whole blueberries
Large button
“The day before, my son had eaten purple grapes, and dh was changing his diaper; he though baby had eaten a black plastic bag and was distressed until I could explain it to him!”
A raisin. My son was only two months old. His two year old brother “shared” the day before.
A bead
Tin foil
“Sand from the beach… when we had gone two weeks before.”
A piece of yard from her blankie
“My nephew put several slugs in his diaper to ‘keep them safe’. Needless to say when the diaper was opened we all screamed….lol”
Blue poo from superman ice cream
4 pebbles
A whole piece of corn
Button from pajamas
Glitter
“And live tapeworm. And I had to finish pulling it out.”

Parenting is an adventure. Enjoy it with love and laughter!

Kelli Stapleton
www.birthstoriesondemand.com

Kelli Stapleton is the producer and host of the radio show/podcast “Birth Stories on Demand” as well as the owner of the website and author of the companion book. Normally she does not collect gross out lists. She normally collects stories of women’s birth experiences; natural, medical intervention, c-section, quick entrance…in other words, all birth stories.

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Going to the Deadbangers Ball

Photo Credit

I have yet to meet anyone who is as excited about dying as I am.

Let me just say that I am NOT suicidal.  That is something completely different, and I don’t want to freak anyone out.

Back to the original point—> I’m not afraid to die.  Not one bit.  I’m actually excited about it happening.  Preferably before I lose all of my teeth, my bodily functions (exemption for when I sneeze), my good nature, and skin elasticity.

Definition—>  Death: the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism.

Also referred to as:

  • To breathe one’s last
  • Assume room temperature
  • To count worms
  • Wearing a pine overcoat
  • Negative patient care outcome
  • Deadbangers Ball
  • Moved into upper management
  • Going organic
  • Rottingham
  • Eating a dirt sandwich
  • Pay one’s debt to nature
  • Dust to dust reunion
  • Metabolically Challanged

I am a proud Catholic that sporadically attends a Lutheran Church.  I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I am one of the most prolific sinners I know.  Surprisingly, I believe that I will go to Heaven.  I believe in Heaven’s existence so much that I’ve already started making plans for when I’m there!  Seriously, I never get to talk to my friend Marni, so I shrug it off and remind myself that I will have lots of time when we’re in Heaven together.  I know I can’t be the only one who does this?!

Have you seen any of those shows about people who have near death experiences?

Photo credit

If I am ever in some sort of horrific accident, I’m running (not walking) to “The Light”.  If God says, “It’s not your time Kelli”. I see myself clinging to his robes and R-E-F-U-S-I-N-G to go back.

Now here comes a little irony.  I have a daughter significantly disabled with autism (but higher functioning than Britney Spears).  I CAN NOT DIE!!!

Image

Thank you Four Sea Stars  for the image!  Blog=awesome= here—-> (http://four-sea-stars.blogspot.com/)

As the poster says, I have to make this child ready for the world.  But also, I have to make sure she is  SAFE when I’m gone and living on the other side in the pearly gated community.  She needs to be safe from abuse, exploitation, neglect, theft, and so on.  Remind me to tell you about a worker we had that faked a pregnancy and then accused my daughter of causing her miscarriage.  My little girl was 11 at the time. *sigh*

What would keep her safe (and not burden her brother or sister too much)?

ImageImage from google

Money.

How much money will it take to make sure that she has a home, staff, cameras installed EVERYWHERE, comforts, and safety?  I did some quick mental math and decided that it should be AT LEAST 5 million dollars.

$5,000,000.00

How much have I got saved so far?  Well….I don’t even have a savings account yet…..

I’m a very hard worker.  I have a successful talk show, website, book.  I’m a public speaker and events host.  But I need to ramp it up a notch or two if I’m going to make it to the 5 million mark.

But let me pause here to just say, I would feel MUCH (MUCH!!) better if it were 5 babillion.  That’s right FIVE BA-BILLION DOLLARS! People can be/and are horrible.  I want this daughter of mine SAFE and HAPPY.  Also, I want those that care for her to be HAPPY.  Really happy!  I want them to LOVE their job!

Things I’m considering to do to earn 5 babillion dollars:

***Internet porn- but with the bloom of youth gone, and 20 pounds overweight, well…. no one wants to see that *sob* (ok, my husband would, but he isn’t about to pay anything… cheap ass)

***Great Lakes Pirate- This honestly excites me more than a little bit.  I think I could come up with a FABULOUS outfit, great make up.  With the help of youtube, I could watch HOURS of Johnny Depp and work on my accent. *arrrg*.  I need to find a boat, learn to navigate, and somehow board large lake-going vessels and rob from the rich to give to me.  Clearly, this isn’t something that I can start tomorrow.  Oh, and I only want to do this for June, July, and August.

***Make a sexy calender- see above for internet porn

***Start a ponzi scheme-I can’t even convince my mother that the “Lindsay Lohan” self-tanner orange look is out.  I’m not entirely convinced I could get people to actually give me money.

***Reality show- Dear God in Heaven please let TLC see this.  If effing Honey Boo Boo can get a show, surely I could!?  My exploitation of this family would know no bounds!  Yes! Yes! Yes! (pssst TLC email me maybe?:thestatuswoe@gmail.com)

So the irony is….

I want to die.

I’ll never be able to earn enough to die.

When I do die, I’ll be the world-record holder for oldest living person. I will have  lost my teeth, control of my bodily functions, my good humor, and skin elasticity.  I just KNOW it….

Care to bet 5 babillion dollars?

*lip kisses*,

Kelli

Photo credit=Rick Steive

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