The Status Woe

Rising above mediocrity one mishap at a time

A Suggestion for School Safety

on May 1, 2013

Finally a post that’s not autism related!

My husband works for a small school district in northern Michigan.  I’m not exaggerating when I say he does it all.   Principal, Athletic director, Varsity Football Coach, JV Basketball Coach, and custodian.  Ok, he isn’t really a custodian but since there isn’t a daytime custodian he is the one to clean up vomit, handle sewage back ups, major messes, refilling toilet paper.

I’m not going to mention the funding issues for our school.  It goes without saying, right?! (hello Lansing!*waving*)

You might think he looks like this guy…..

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You aren’t far off.


In addition to my children being in school, my husband is there too.  Literally our entire family can be in one building at any given time (I substitute teach occasionally.  I prefer to be called a “wandering educator” as opposed to a “sub”. But I’m at school a lot).

School safety is something I think about often.


Just about every day.


Many times during the day.


There will be more school shootings.  It’s not a matter of if, but when.  I’m not trying to be a “Debbie Downer” but we all need to understand that.  It can happen anywhere at anytime.

According to my newsfeed on Facebook, the gun debate is alive and well.  I have no reason to believe there will be any resolutions coming about guns in the near future.  Hell, for the far future either.

My husband mentioned to me that there was something out there that would allow school administrators to carry handguns.  Not a bad idea, really.  However, just having a loaded weapon in the school makes me nervous.  What if my husband was clumsy with it?  What if he hurt himself or others?  Or, in an intense situation, what if he had it taken off of him by a bad guy?

Not good.

In a crisis situation, the police would be called.  And no matter how close the precinct, it would take an eternity to get there.  I’ve seen many movies with cops.  They just don’t go running into a crime scene, either.  They slink around corners and cover each other.  Rightly so, but if children are dying, well I know one guy who would run headlong into danger.

Yes, him.


As special as he is, I know all schools have someone like him.  Who would run into danger first and ask questions later.

So I ponder the best way for an unarmed principal (or any school employee) to protect the children and others in the school.

Now my theory isn’t without its’ flaws.  But I do think it’ll work.

Here it is:

Keep a working chainsaw in the office.

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Seriously, think about it.

There is a bad guy in the hallway moving toward classrooms.  Matt is going to go running down the hall anyway.  Why not fire up a HUGE chainsaw?

I really think it would cause the bad guy to pause for a minute.

We all understand that in “rock, paper, scissors” terms a gun beats a chainsaw.  But in a chaotic situation, who knows!?!

Also, I think the chainsaw would offer a bit of protection for my beloved first husband.  It isn’t quite a bulletproof vest, but it will make it harder to get to some of his vital organs.

Look how it protects his vital organs!

Look how it protects his vital organs!

Does anyone else ever think about this sort of thing?!

Anyone? *crickets chirping*

Now to be practical, the chain saw would have to be fired up weekly and checked regularly for gas.  It would take time to maintain this school protector, but I think it would be worth it.

Don’t laugh! Allow me to take this a step further.

Have two chainsaws in the building.  Because two loud scary machines would freak out anyone.

I just think an intruder or shooter would lose a lot of nerve if not one, but two chainsaw wielding school employees came running at them.

Very Scary

Very Scary

School safety is not a laughing matter.  However, thinking outside of the box can be.  And as I said earlier,  he is going to run into the hall anyway….

Stay vigilant and safe everyone!