The Status Woe

Rising above mediocrity one mishap at a time

Going to the Deadbangers Ball

on September 8, 2012

Photo Credit

I have yet to meet anyone who is as excited about dying as I am.

Let me just say that I am NOT suicidal.  That is something completely different, and I don’t want to freak anyone out.

Back to the original point—> I’m not afraid to die.  Not one bit.  I’m actually excited about it happening.  Preferably before I lose all of my teeth, my bodily functions (exemption for when I sneeze), my good nature, and skin elasticity.

Definition—>  Death: the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism.

Also referred to as:

  • To breathe one’s last
  • Assume room temperature
  • To count worms
  • Wearing a pine overcoat
  • Negative patient care outcome
  • Deadbangers Ball
  • Moved into upper management
  • Going organic
  • Rottingham
  • Eating a dirt sandwich
  • Pay one’s debt to nature
  • Dust to dust reunion
  • Metabolically Challanged

I am a proud Catholic that sporadically attends a Lutheran Church.  I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I am one of the most prolific sinners I know.  Surprisingly, I believe that I will go to Heaven.  I believe in Heaven’s existence so much that I’ve already started making plans for when I’m there!  Seriously, I never get to talk to my friend Marni, so I shrug it off and remind myself that I will have lots of time when we’re in Heaven together.  I know I can’t be the only one who does this?!

Have you seen any of those shows about people who have near death experiences?

Photo credit

If I am ever in some sort of horrific accident, I’m running (not walking) to “The Light”.  If God says, “It’s not your time Kelli”. I see myself clinging to his robes and R-E-F-U-S-I-N-G to go back.

Now here comes a little irony.  I have a daughter significantly disabled with autism (but higher functioning than Britney Spears).  I CAN NOT DIE!!!

Image

Thank you Four Sea Stars  for the image!  Blog=awesome= here—-> (http://four-sea-stars.blogspot.com/)

As the poster says, I have to make this child ready for the world.  But also, I have to make sure she is  SAFE when I’m gone and living on the other side in the pearly gated community.  She needs to be safe from abuse, exploitation, neglect, theft, and so on.  Remind me to tell you about a worker we had that faked a pregnancy and then accused my daughter of causing her miscarriage.  My little girl was 11 at the time. *sigh*

What would keep her safe (and not burden her brother or sister too much)?

ImageImage from google

Money.

How much money will it take to make sure that she has a home, staff, cameras installed EVERYWHERE, comforts, and safety?  I did some quick mental math and decided that it should be AT LEAST 5 million dollars.

$5,000,000.00

How much have I got saved so far?  Well….I don’t even have a savings account yet…..

I’m a very hard worker.  I have a successful talk show, website, book.  I’m a public speaker and events host.  But I need to ramp it up a notch or two if I’m going to make it to the 5 million mark.

But let me pause here to just say, I would feel MUCH (MUCH!!) better if it were 5 babillion.  That’s right FIVE BA-BILLION DOLLARS! People can be/and are horrible.  I want this daughter of mine SAFE and HAPPY.  Also, I want those that care for her to be HAPPY.  Really happy!  I want them to LOVE their job!

Things I’m considering to do to earn 5 babillion dollars:

***Internet porn- but with the bloom of youth gone, and 20 pounds overweight, well…. no one wants to see that *sob* (ok, my husband would, but he isn’t about to pay anything… cheap ass)

***Great Lakes Pirate- This honestly excites me more than a little bit.  I think I could come up with a FABULOUS outfit, great make up.  With the help of youtube, I could watch HOURS of Johnny Depp and work on my accent. *arrrg*.  I need to find a boat, learn to navigate, and somehow board large lake-going vessels and rob from the rich to give to me.  Clearly, this isn’t something that I can start tomorrow.  Oh, and I only want to do this for June, July, and August.

***Make a sexy calender- see above for internet porn

***Start a ponzi scheme-I can’t even convince my mother that the “Lindsay Lohan” self-tanner orange look is out.  I’m not entirely convinced I could get people to actually give me money.

***Reality show- Dear God in Heaven please let TLC see this.  If effing Honey Boo Boo can get a show, surely I could!?  My exploitation of this family would know no bounds!  Yes! Yes! Yes! (pssst TLC email me maybe?:thestatuswoe@gmail.com)

So the irony is….

I want to die.

I’ll never be able to earn enough to die.

When I do die, I’ll be the world-record holder for oldest living person. I will have  lost my teeth, control of my bodily functions, my good humor, and skin elasticity.  I just KNOW it….

Care to bet 5 babillion dollars?

*lip kisses*,

Kelli

Photo credit=Rick Steive

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