A little bit of *ahem* high brow humor…..
The first night, I’m sleeping on an air mattress in the back of my SUV. Suddenly at 5:00 am, my belly cramps. I wake and wonder if it’s just a weird cramp or the forewarning of an approaching sh!t storm.
Beads of sweat start running down my back.
NOT a good sign. Not a good sign at all.
Now I’m sweating profusely. My shirt is already drenched at the armpits and down my back.
Another cramp quickly followed by a sphincter spasm. There is no denying now that I have to go to the facilities. Quickly.
I grope in the dark for shoes and a flashlight. Can’t find either. There is a loud stomach gurgle.
I find a pair of shoes (not mine and they don’t match) put them on. There is no time to find a flash light. I’ll have to use the flash light app on my phone.
I exit the SUV and am wracked with cramps, spasms, and sweats. I briefly think I should look for the package of baby wipes but there is no time.
I walk quickly to the outbuilding.
The outhouse is a cinder-block building. I’ve seen pizza ovens that didn’t retain heat as well….
The building has only a toilet, toilet paper, and dispenser of hand sanitizer.
Being a woman, I usually prefer to hover over a toilet. Butt (every pun intended), there is no way I can hover over this toilet considering what is about to happen. I have to juggle my phone/flashlight whilst I line the seat with toilet paper so I can sit in relative comfort.
A few months ago I dropped my iphone in the toilet at home. Thankfully it survived. This toilet however, is a seat over a deep hole. There is a pile of human excrement the size of a small mountain below. Dropping my phone now would be tragedy beyond all understanding.
I finally(deargodfinally) get to sit. I am no longer a human being. I am simply a biological organism doing it’s biological thing.
Sweat is pouring into my eyes, down my back. There are sweat beads growing on the top of my thighs (I can see this thanks to my flashlight app). Who sweats on the top of their thighs?
I am in Hell.
There is no “dump and flush”. There is no sink to draw myself some cool water for my face and neck. No. It’s just me and the flies. The very happy flies.
As far as middle of the night sh!t storms go, this is a mercifully short attack. The sweat is already cooling and causing me chills. Temperature chills, not sick sh!t chills.
I’m wishing now that I had taken the time to look for the baby wipes. The toilet paper provided by the state of MI for it’s public campgrounds isn’t designed for what just happened to me.
There is no sink where I can waddle over and dampen the paper. FML.
I do my best. Still hanging onto my phone for dear life. I REALLY can’t drop it now. I’m fairly certain it would dissolve in the hot lava I just added to that mountain.
I exit the pizza oven/outhouse just as the sun is sharing it’s very soft, first morning rays.
I crawl back into my SUV shivering and feeling like I ran a full marathon.
I love camping.