I had written this in April 2011 in a Facebook note. The situation remains unchanged.
Domestic abuse and why I chose to live with my abuser….
I’m smart enough to know that I’m a victim of domestic abuse. I’m also smart enough to know that I can leave at any moment. So why do I stay?
Love.
Isn’t that always the answer?
I’ve been bruised from head to toe, knocked unconscious, suffered injuries that were visible and others that weren’t. I’ve had to make decisions about going out in public because of how my face looked, and what to wear to best cover my bruises and contusions. I’ve had a bank close my account because my signature never matched my signature card…but it doesn’t if your fingers are broken, strained, and sprained.
I don’t like to be hit. It hurts me physically, and it hurts my feelings. I know my abuser loves me. I also know my abuser will kill me. But I still can’t leave. So now what?
I live.
I always wanted to write a book, so I did. I’m learning to play the guitar. I would like to write songs too, so I will. There isn’t any reason to put it off, is there?
I hope the hitting will stop. I hope I don’t get killed in front of my children Q and Ainsley.
And If I am killed, I hope I don’t get revived by some well-meaning EMT or ER doctor. I would hate to have to die like that TWICE! I wear a DNR (do not resuscitate) bracelet, and have paperwork filed at the hospital. But this remains a huge concern of mine.
There was a day recently when my abuser was really out of control. The blows were coming, and coming, and coming I was seeing stars and unfortunately lost my footing. Now I was on the floor prone and in real trouble. I reached in my pocket for my phone and was able to dial 911 before the phone was thrown out of my hands. When the officer arrived, I was so relieved! I had survived it!! It was (thankgodinheaven) over. Just like that, calm replaced the savage beast. The police officer looked around the room and became hostile to me, “Why did you call the police?!” I looked at her with my eye, the one that wasn’t swollen shut, and apologized for calling her. My mistake. Clearly.
So why do I stay?
Because my abuser is my autistic daughter. She is now much larger than me and has no understanding of the damage she does. There doesn’t seem to be a way to stop her. Nor is there anyone who can help us. We’ve tried.
Words are escaping me completely right now. I can’t possibly imagine what this must be like. I will keep your family in my prayers and hope that the help that you need finds its way to you.
Thank you Jen. Something will happen. It will be incredibly horrible or incredibly good. But either way, this level of intensity cannot continue. I just don’t see how it can. A therapist asked me on Monday, “how many times in a week does she get violent?” My response, “It would be easier to tell you how many times she gets violent in an hour…”
We have hope for treatment. We’re keeping our fingers crossed….
I had a well versed speech planned as I started to read this, but now, I have none of those words. Your situation is desperate and I hope you find the courage and strength to get through it. Are there no homes, facilities, drugs that help? You need a 24hr caregiver, but I’m sure that isn’t in the budget,but neither are all of the hospital bills. If your state doesn’t provide that sort of care through Medicaid/Medicare, move to a state that does. Oregon is an excellent choice. There are options other than tolerating the abuse out of love. Sometimes you must make even harder choices out of love. I don’t know your situation exactly, but I have seen something similar and a DNR bracelet is NOT the only option, because what happens to her when you are gone? I’m betting she will be doped into a semi-comatose state and thrown into a state run facility which has lower care standards than a prison. I’ll get off my soapbox now because you have probably heard all of this before.
Erin, I actually do have some hope. A facility just opened and it’s only three hours away from us (http://www.autismtreatmentresearch.org/). They specifically treat children with this level of aggression. However, our insurance won’t cover it and our local agency won’t pay. We are on the phone daily with politicians, doctors, therapists, etc. trying to figure this out. I drives me crazy that this place is so close, with open beds, and we can’t just drive her there.
We have considered moving. And still might.
If we do have a case of ‘matricide by autism’, her future would be very bleak. We are working to get her a real future. A future where she can be happy and not in danger of being restrained physically or medicinally.
And you and your soapbox may visit my blog ANYTIME! I love your comments.
~Kelli
Kelli
stumbled on this while reading on a friends page..my heart goes out to you and i wish there was something i could do or say to make things better, but I know thats not possible. You should know that there are people who think the type of love mothers of Autistic children must have is beyound comprehention to most of us. However if we could harness that type of love we could stop all hatered and wars….
Thank you so much Ken!
Hi Kelli,
I looked at the treatment center and it sounds like the perfect place for your daughter, and I know it is soooo expensive! Sounds like medicaid will pay some, and I suppose you have her on that, but what about starting a “Treatment Options Support Drive” or some such named way to actually collect funds to support her there? You have the means w/your talk show. Who knows…you might start a much needed “program” and your girl will be only the first of many who desperately need help? Later on you could get a “non-profit” status and really help so many parents like you who are living in quiet desperation…I have seen strangers offer money for less necessary “groups” ..!
It’s just a thought, but you do have a talent for touching hearts and you seem very artistic in your web sites, and you can also do some sort of advertising of the Autism Treatment Center at the same time, thus getting unknown “financial supporters” to give to your cause….such as Melinda Gates…she gives GOBs of money to autism support and others….just my “off the top of my head thoughts.” I was on a board here in Eugene, and it was begun by a group of parents, many w/autistic kids, who started a non-profit and built apartments JUST for adults w/develop. disabilities. My daughter cannot live there now, maybe never again, but it was my dream. Still is. But the community here sent in thousands, a letter was sent to anyone we could think of, lots of business people in town, attorney firms, (they are great, lots of money there!) and city and state officials who profess to want to help the DD community. You have a voice, a talent….think about it! And you need not move…she would be in expert hands, and you could maybe visit weekly or ? I’d love to know more about her, whenever you have extra time. I understand any “extra” time you have might be saved for a locked bathroom door and a hot tub of suds and the radio on so loud you can’t hear a hurricane should one pass through! Ha. Blessings to you, Lauri K.
It may be something I need to do Lauri.